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Roger Soh Cai Xiang
21
Nanyang Technological University
DOB: 051188

Trying to be a Godly Man

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Thursday, August 31, 2006

happy teachers day to ms quek, mrs ho, mr wong, mrs chan, mrs tan , mr yeo and many others teachers out there...

heck, as though they will read this blog...

why do i bother reading her blog noeing that she will either ignore me or shoot me back negatively... i duno why also... perhaps its just that she is the only few who update regularly... but then, should let her blog bring me down also...

today while i was watching the concert, was thinking why have i been not myself lately... then thinkin think thaen found out that it is because that i have forgotten the secondary school days... where my time have been far so difficult for me... coming to pj, i am so comfortable to the environment that i had become complacent about it and forgotten about the ture purpose... thankx to that familiar tinge of a feeling given by my class i then started to remember...

its a rather hard concept that sometimes i even have problems understanding myself... but i find that the purpose of me is i will never be good enough to anybody or to somebody, that pple out there will always criticise on my views, opinions and options... and thats why it hurts pple most...
u close ur eyes and look at ur heart, u think of all the bad things out there people can do to u, even ur loved ones do to u, it gets so much scar that it feels a firey hinge of pain in it, and that flares u up so much tht the fire inside no longer burns bright, but it burns darkly....

that is why i like batman, for a man who have been pushed to his limits where he couldnt take the world's way pf life anymore that he decided to go to the extreme... that is why i came to jc.. i wanted to go to the extreme.. and thus being tempted by frens who make m elost track of my primary objective... hate turns to a black fire which burns so much that red eyes turns to envy...

its time to wake up and see how evil the people around can be... and thus fighting a fire of briliance red with a fire of navy black.. shred them into pieces could only make u feel the sweetness of revenge.. i dun want to cry with tears of regret on judgement day and being mocked at by them... i will always remember my sec sch days, just like present days...

felt so good clearing everything in my mind... ahhhh...
if there's a choice, i wished i could turn back time and went to appeal...

Stupid at 9:40 AM

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

at the end of every tunnel is a burst of light.. i hope..

i decided not to close my blog down, my only source of way to vent my feelings.. and i dun care wat others gonna say cause its really my only way out...

felt very disappointed when i found out that few pple in my class is still rather pissed with me although i explained everything...

wats more disappointing is my dearest class reps refuse to do their duties to buy presents ... everything have to lie in the hands of their cm and gp rep and pe rep.... felt s disappointing....

fall sick liao... with all this bad things and sad things happening around me, wat should i do? even studying makes me feel sicker.. i was thinking wat happen if i didnt make it and i retain... or worst, cannot retain, must kick out... everything is possible...

everyone have a special someone in their hearts, and especially the one of them hurts me most...

i prayed.. but duno when he will answer my prayer...

too distracted, cant focus.. but thats my only shot.. its like2 bullets in the gun chamber u noe...

i wished on that very day i did appealed back... then i dun have to lend up in this state... regreted...

but then again, the end of the rainbow may not always be a pot of gold...

when will the bridge be rebuilded again... so i can interact.... but dun think so.. and the guilt will follow me forever...

sted having problems too on his end, and i dun even have ways to solve his when i have mine...

i will never be a guy big enough to be noticed

argggh... i hate to be me...

useless bum, un promising freak, stupid goal keeper, door mat, asshole, im just a dumb guy who studies like a nerd and dun score like the nerd.. end up... being a LOSER... thats wat i am..

i hate myself. no music talents, stupid hands stupid legs, i suck at ball games, i suck at having relationships with pple, i suck at everything.... and i dun even have the courage to suicide... i suck.....

Stupid at 4:04 PM

Friday, August 25, 2006

i suck ok... aiyo...

so many people comment on my tag so many diff thing.. then bet mc sure got some mis understanding one.. tot i scold her.. i suck k i suck... what the hell...

ZQ ask me to close my blog, or make it private.. actually i want.. but u noe.. my blog is the main way of venting my feelings down..

but then.. pple read liao then feel offended.. so how?

sometimes i get very irritated by overly sensitive and overly critical pple.. they have to understand that no one is perfect u noe..

oh well,
so i deciding whther to delete this blog or watsoever...

anyyway.. didnt had so many pple call me commando in a day.. felt proud... but in other words, they might be mocking me... lol... i noe la.. fat cx a commando.. wat a joke. lol.. but oh well some how i get in.. so shouldbe happy...

Stupid at 2:56 PM

Thursday, August 24, 2006

to my faithful readers.. the time have come to reveal watever the piece of enlistment act meant finally...

it is.. COMMANDO!!!!!!!!!! lol..

imagine.. cx the commando... lol... sounds impossible.. but it happened.. and im glad...

thought that i'll be the weakling there.. found out that there are more weaker pple there than me... felt releaved...

so that botah sergeant told us that 90 % of the pple there will get in one.. so thats most prob is my life... lol... my destiny.. oh well...

but its nice la.. noeing that i got chosen for one of the elites... maybe ill get in, maybe not.. lets juz see how it flows.. dun have time to say wat happen... all i can remember is this indian sergeant who is marching at the track whispered to us said : ' dun join, u will regret'..

that makes me wanna join more...

cx the commando.. ohhh..

Stupid at 5:17 PM

Sunday, August 20, 2006

any one who haven watch click should go watch it now... its one of the few movies that brings a message to your heart and bring tears to your eyes...

it talks about bringing faily first before work and sometimes must also learn to enjoy in the midst of all the obsession of hardwork to have a better life.. but i think for the problem for most of us is we play to much instead of working lol...

anyway, i love the dog who alway find means to masturbate with the duck lol.. so funny...

had a great time abusing wensley in church today.. tying him up, throwing into grass pour flour and throw water bombs.. great fun....

happy birthday wensley.. thanx for being a great fren who always here to listen to me....

i hope i am able to be reborn and find my own new spiritual self...

life's painful.. but its just a test to see whether we can take a longer road to paradise..

Stupid at 8:34 PM


Stupid at 8:34 PM

Thursday, August 17, 2006

im staring blankly into the screen thinking of ways of how to speak.... cant phrase my thoughts... duno how to tell u...

i think u give me this period from now till end of a level to be a loner can? that will benefit our academics a bit more... so sorry if i made any u noe wat comments and stuff.. nv thought that u pple will take it personal....

i nv compare... i have to admit that they are easier to fit in but i didnt say that u all no good then dun be frens... for ur info im cutting them out too... i have something to focus on and thats my way of studying... i promise after a level everything will resume k?

and for ur own good.. i think u should adopt this tactic too.. work wonders.. recess skip lunch do work and go home straight and stuff... u told me once that no matter wat happens u wanna work hard wat.. thought u understand this..

anyway.. im very glad that u guys adopt the habit of sitting in front of class.. thats great.. finally like got front role sit and stuff... wanna transform to a few months nerd.. got a promise to fulfill.... and u understand that when i get things serious im less noisy and stuff...

and as for yp... i dunno wat to say la.. she some how have to understand that being crazy in class and hard work does not mix... thats why its called hard work... HARD... aiya.. we shldnt be talking bout this u noe... i talked to CK bout this and he said something that we are adults liao and shldnt really be so concerned about clicques, wherebouts and stuff..i do agree u noe.. and somehow it makes some sense, especially when i have a target to achieve...

thats all...

argh.. still sick.. hope can recover by sun...

trm going out to get weasel present tgt with D...

soh out

Stupid at 7:36 PM

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

after reading MC's blog i noe at one instance that she was shooting at me... and of course i should have expected that to happen... leaving them and all without a explanation or least even a note.. bystander we think that i might even try to steal CK over to my side and stuff...

but seriously. truthfully, pls dun think this way... its not so complicated as u think...

juz wanna let u guys noe firstly.. after converted to christian.. CK and i relate pretty well so its not like trying to steal fren and stuff...

secondly... after MYE, i going to be like full speed ahead... and noeing the CK's personality of not so motivated in studying.. my plan is to guide CK in his academics and stuff.. while the other side.. stedston is there to guide anyway... this is a rather good strategy as i thought as if ck and yp will be together everyone will juz give in and slack... inculuding me of course...

thirdly, im not angry or anything with u guys.. truly! juz that, need some of my own space as u said...

ok.. thats that...



now.. i gonna complain....

wah lau!!! im juz fell sick after like piaing for like 3 days only!! i used to have better stamina for that... darn.. and yesterday i was like telling my dad i wanna sleep early and he used it as an opportunity to shoot me about me going to church.. wat the---


then damn disaapointing.. i was studying then tell my mum nowadays study cant finish study till i sick.. she says.. who ask u go sms and so play com always??? i was like wat the----

at this rate, i think i will ascend to heaven faster then i expected...

sometimes im so disappointed in everyone.. like ther should be more understanding and stuff...
can god please lead me with the holy spirit????

Stupid at 1:54 PM

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

life is full of expectations and suprises...

yesterday nootka outing, went to hereen eat, watch fire works and go home...but before that went to ZQ land, where the fun begins...

anyway, can see frome zq that he is v disheartened and stuff... because its like everyone focused on eating then on talking, nothing to say bout, jie yi say cause got no common topic, then i kept thinking of crap to keep the conversation going on not to make zq feel sad...

hoever, such things are predictable, i mean, for even other oreintation groups i bet they dun go out as frequently as us, and we should be greatful that we are still out together... guess that the only real interaction starts when we all were put to a situation and solve a problem together.. that gives me a idea.. next orientation outing i organise k? got a pretty good idea, but wonder the girls would join... AGAIN...

ok.. yesterday was the end of my 40 spiritual days with the purpose driven life.. so happy.. but stilll never feel any purpose driving around me, but understood lotsa concepts to be a nice guy there...

one of the problems i noticed many people around me are bothered by problems regarding relationships... i meant, relax guys! if he or she is meant to be yours, then it will be, sometimes id not our time to fulfill that role yet... i noe u are getting impatient about it... but please wait! its will be worse if u ever accidentally moved the wrong move and blow a mine up... the idea is getting that person out of your mind totally... then u will be able to focus on other stuff other than that problem....

i used to like this particular girl once recently, and found out that she is obliviously controlling my life, whenever i do something, i think of her... untill one day i cant stand this thorn in my flesh, i prayed to our heavenly father: ' Lord, if it is your will to make me like this person, so be it, if not, just let me totally forget about her and be able tofocus and carry out your will'
and the next moment, the splinter removed, i felt great.. thank lord....

for non christians, i suggest u could use the old method of forgetting and avoiding some one totally until they become so insignificant in ur life.. that is what i will be doing.. unless it is a drive that is so strong u couldnt stand the pressure, then congrats she's the one.. but many take the latter as an excuse to be submitted to the web of love... it is v hard for me to explain wat is strong sense of attraction here... but i think u will get ur ideas....

so thats it i wanna say to say.. thanx for readers out there who still read this bloggie.. thought it will become a deserted blog... but was proven wrog.. haha... i will work hard in everything i promise... thank god.

Living with purpose is the only way to live...

Stupid at 8:51 AM

Monday, August 07, 2006

today ck and i watched pasion of christ and wens joined in later..

it was nice sad and teaches us alot...

but i still couldnt be overcomed by the love the enemies part...

as in, i noe its the way but i still cant do it, cause its too diff for me liao..

hope one day i can..

today its the end of the 40 days, maybe my spiritual self have matured...

Stupid at 5:12 PM

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I was so pissed yesterday...

i in some way, dropped mc mp3, got several scratches on it, and was being blamed at, i humbly accepted all the scoldings, and find means to get it off.

what i was pissed about is mag trying to rub salt into my wound, she said smth bout: ' u better get it off'.. and i was like: ' WTF' its not even urs la, mc haven say such things yet who gives u right to say it, man, at that moment i really wanna slap her in the face.

then i ren.

thanx wensley for accompanying me to where ever i go.. although it is a wasted trip..

i head to jurong east to creative to see what the lady could do bout it, and it is a long long hot, walk. there and back.. and the lady say, u can change, but u have to change the lcd screen and everything, that will cost u the same as ur mp3.. then i was like. ok... and walk away... called mc to tell her, and what was to my surprise was she expected me to change! . she must me thinking i was rich or smth like that. i feel so disappointed then. walked such a long way then for nothing...

I ren MORE..

ok, then i tot, nvm la, go expo shop and see what there can do... then take an 1 hr train go there, shop, the queue was like so bloddy long and there only have 5 counter, so didnt buy anythig.. the army knife i wan also sold out, no free door gift, all given away... and there dun even have ATM so cant draw $ to eat...

I renrenren...

damn unhappy... wensley borrow me $ then we eat BK and take train back to cck... i was damn dumb damn stupid and damn pissed... shld have listen to RJ advice.

then i went there met wens bro and went to popular... got so fed up so i buy the stuff that i wanted to buy regardless the price... then who noes, the swiss knife there bu 2nd set at 1 dollar! while expo is 10 cents.. then i meant 1 dollar not much diff from 10 cents wat.. then i was happy, but pissed with my self...

i ren...

then went to diy shop to see what i can buy to polish that mp3... then the lady said the polish sold out.. and that superior the lady asked was like damn bochup... i damn angry liao... so i head home...

but before that i went to my house opposite the hard ware stores to check whther they have anything they sell like this.. clearly, those aunties there dunno.. cause its like so ang mor... so i damn fustrated...

went home, search the store for the auto soil i use to polish metal and experiment it on mp3...

WAH! can sia.. although now still got a bit.. but improved la...
then i thank god and damn happy..

sometimes i feel that why am i so suay, but i found out that in the middle of what is suay, god upthere is actually trying to tell u smth, he is telling u that whatever u do now is wrong, head back, and u will get what u want.. so i wasted my time, going round and round singapore before reaching my destination.. silly me...

i also found out that luckily i ren if not the consequences may be worse.

In a world where people couldn't care less, Christians should be the people who couldn't care more...

Stupid at 3:06 PM

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