Why do we love?

The awkward moment when what's troubling u is ur christian community and not your secular community. U see the reason why some christians fall away from their faith, turn to vices, turn to secular sources of comfort, because they face great disappointments from people in the christian community. Of course, there are some giants who hold on, who really have that hope that no other man could see. But it seemed a little unreal, a little hard for it to believe, when u are cut and feel pain, can u choose to say the pain is not there? Yes I know the pain heals, but it takes a long time.

I realise the importance of being a witness to others, not even to the secular world but within the community itself. If u are not a proper witness, and u are placed as a leader, it affects the rest of the body. It happened to me, it happened to my cell, it happened to my church. And because of the problem of one, it multiplied to become the problem of many.

I just pray for a reformation, a rebuilding, a restoration, a reignitement of everything. As more and more pple slip away, I hope I could hang on just enough to see the day. Why am I in such a despair? why am i in such a emotional state of sadness? it is because I realise I'm influential, and yet incapable. Placed as a leader, but lacked wisdom. Tried my best but its still not enough. I realise I'm like him, exactly like him. My vicar. Thats why I relate to him all too well. Its very sad that when u look into the eyes of the cell members, and u lost all the respect they have for u because of all ur past mistakes. And u are just the CGL by name. U wanna go away, wash it clean, step down, but u cant. U no longer have influence over them, and u realise u are already branded in their eyes - a failed leader, a successful clown. Even though i change now, even though i learn now. I just think that its just too late cause I have been branded. Christians dun really forgive pple fully even though they try very hard to u know. I know it cause I try very hard to forgive others too..

I understand now what Ghandi said: I like ur Christ, I dun like ur christians.
I like my Christ too, the only person who could wash my slate clean every single time I kneel and pray.
Its the followers who pour everything back and deceive me that Im not forgiven.

Stupid at 10:44 PM

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Neglected this blog again, its been so long since another entry.

Trying to cultivate a habit of reading recently. After reading a mind changing book by John Eldredge : "Waking the Dead"

Recently I bought a book : "The Journals of Jim Elliot" and with the first few pages it wrote something like: "He ( Jim ) made a habit of getting up early in the morning in order to have uninterrupted time for prayer and Bible study, but it was not until his junior year that he began to keep a journal as a means of self discipline. Forcing himself to articulate something on paper helped him to concentrate and gave direction to his devotional times. ... ... ... what is written in these pages I (Jim) suppose will someday be read by others than myself."

Was thinking and hoping that maybe I can do the same.

Matthew 5:1-12

I am quite familiar with the passage of the beatitudes. Hence decided to read a different version of the bible, the Message. It goes something like this

When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

After reading this, I opened my ESV bible and made the comparison. How different was the meaning I interpreted! I'll just take the Matt 5:1 for example. In the ESV it said, "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him."

Compared to the version in the Message, "the committed, climbed with Him" It paints a different picture, that if we are committed in following Jesus, we require effort, to climb! It gets tough, the climbing. Well one thing is cause i'm scared of heights, and the second is that I'm kind of heavy hence it requires alot of effort and stamina.

Realised that the disciples then had a great thirst for the words of life so much so that even though when Jesus went to hard and high places, even though its tough, they followed him, just to learn more from him. Am I willing to put in the effort and the stamina to follow Jesus in hard and high places?

I not sure how accurate the Message translation is, I will leave it to another time to research upon, but it paints a probable picture of how the people then sees Jesus much clearer.

Stupid at 10:36 AM

Friday, April 22, 2011

As each day goes by, I feel my faith grows weaker. With each sermon i listen to in church, the sadder i feel.

Today is good friday. and the ironic thing is i feel like cursing and wearing and be the old me more than ever.

Its one of those days, where u really wanted to release all ur emotions on somthing, Just BOOM. and there goes all those words I spend decades to refrain from saying.

You ask me why, why am I so mad, so not even concentrating in preparing cell, Because I feel like a bloody hypocrite. I have to teach teens who dun even wanted to be there anyway things that I dun even convict myself in beliving. Its just a job, its just an assignment, another module to me today.

I became super unproductive today, hearing lectures that doesnt get in, time like now suppose to study i end up blogging. why am i so fustrated? Why?

Because I'm mad, angry, furious! because look what COGS become, I never felt this way in a good friday service before. I never felt his presence. I never felt God. Mum dozed of in the sermon, I think Dad's sleeping with eye open. And WE ARE FREAKING SUPPOSE TO BE SOLEMN AND REFLECTIVE IN THIS DAY?

I know u may think that I am superficial, that what I'm looking for is that "feel" that we have when deaconess and the old management was around. there is some truth to it. But the major thing I am feeling, is that the service is just another anyhow service in every freaking sunday. and its good friday. the first good friday without old management.

I find myself extremely angry to all of the old management too. You know that this old man is going to tear the church apart, and u just happily left? SELFISH HYPOCRITES. and leave us to fight the front, we are like recruits, not commandos and u sent us to war. and we died. Many died, many left, many hurt.

Sometimes I do feel and understand why pple like daesiree just turn totally to the world, its like having the since its so screwed, i rather be screwed and yet I enjoy myself. Since we are going down, might as well enjoy it anyway. only fools like us, stay and fight the front. be unhappy, be hurt, be weary and "Wait till things get better" . Yeah, wait till either old man dies or he retires, Church is now a prison, a place where it encourages pple to feel dissappointed with the faith.

They told me, look to God, not man, Look to God! Yet they also say, we are suppose to reflect God image. If u look at the image, and u disgust, how do u bear to turn and look to God?

Anyway, I turned, maybe i am myopic, I cannot see God, I'm blind now. So whoever is reading this, I'm sorry if i sounded harsh, unreasonable, even doing irrational things. I hope u'll understand. I'm blinded once again for now..

Jesus where are you?

Stupid at 9:53 PM

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Marvel Comics on Chrome

Ok, I am testing things out so that I can make my google chrome more hi tech lol...

Stupid at 9:42 AM

Saturday, March 26, 2011

How do we know that we are not insane since the insane view thselves as sane and they view us as insane?

Stupid at 12:26 PM

Friday, February 04, 2011

I FREAKING HATE CNY...

The frustration I have within me is overwhelming that i'll tear apart anything that stands in my way.

Stupidest idiotic freaking CNY.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Stupid at 11:36 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I was reading the superman comic, and I actually found out the superman story line is very indepth actually makes us think about alot of things..

The issue was talking how superman just went down to the neighbourhood and had a emo walk .. Of course it stirred a great crowd and stuff.. And there is this kid. He was very happy that he is coming, and he was like telling his mum, maybe superman will stop his dad from beating him up and beating his mother up. Maybe superman will make his dad love them.. the mother just teared.

Then the boy went out and made a superman flag with the symbol 'S' on it. The dad saw, and pull him in the house,push him to fall down the stairs and locked him in the basement. The boy heard the crowd cheering as superman walked pass. and then the boy screamed for superman.

Of course superman heard, and found out what happen and was furious with the dad and in the end the mother and son ended up in protective care.

The best part of the story is when the social worker came out and told superman : "Good thing YOU came along, otherwise we might have never known about any of this, it needed YOU to get to the bottom of it " .

Superman just said : ' No it didnt. All it needed was someone , anyone with a pair of eyes, a voice, a phone, and ten cents worth of compassion'.

Reallly can relate to this story tho. Just wondering if I'm the boy, the dad or the someone tat superman is referring to.

Stupid at 9:59 PM