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Roger Soh Cai Xiang
21
Nanyang Technological University
DOB: 051188

Trying to be a Godly Man

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Friday, January 26, 2007

yay...

i finally won pool fair and square, hit in the last black ball without entering the white...


funny thing is that, i suppose to be berserkingly happy but i aren't...

i guess, sometimes when u want something so much, u practise practise and finally when u got it, it feels like nothing at all...

earthly treasures where the moth and rust destroy...

my mood swings are getting more and more stable already... one word to describe my mood: sian. think off the brightside it aint that bad after all...

still cant think of anything for Junorita yet... neither do i have the money.

everything is still screwed up and messy now...

i hope i can have the determination and endurance to change everything back to normal.

i need some sleep... ZZzzzZZZzzzZZZZzzzzzzzzz

and sleep how long also not enough... i think i like lost my soul or something, body and mind moving, yet spirit, dead... a dead corpse typing...

pls ressurect me!!

Stupid at 7:44 PM

Thursday, January 25, 2007

i am so tired...

getting weary and stuff..


serve is sucking my energy dry...

they say NS BMT must train now, if not sure fail..

but i dun have the motivation or determination to train... how?


Die die die...

oh heavenly father, what have u planned for me? i would liked to noe...

Stupid at 7:15 PM

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Today, God spoke...

this is what he says:

Son, It's time.Get up on your feet, start planning master planner, be hardworking , disciplined and work to wards ur destination to become the man i want u to be, christ-like.

yeah, and that is what i am working towards to...

i found out some of the sorces of distractions which normally initiate to sin, like for example, being with wensley means feel like angry with him.. aiya, dont noe how to say, what i feel towards him is anger missed with several other things like concern.. so very hard to describe..

and also, keeping my self away from the computer.. try to stop wasting time in it...

Jesus said, if your eyes cause u to sin, dig it out and throw it away.. thats what i am doing..

anyway, i think after every serve i must relax for a while, slow down, and think of the lessons, cause if got intense lessons, i think i'll end up hating knowing God onli...

thats all... Shalom to all...

i find myself unworthy of thy love, thats why i'm afraid to look up to u....
but deep down inside i love thee...

Stupid at 4:51 PM

Today, God spoke...

this is what he says:

Son, It's time.Get up on your feet, start planning master planner, be hardworking , disciplined and work to wards ur destination to become the man i want u to be, christ-like.

yeah, and that is what i am working towards to...

i found out some of the sorces of distractions which normally initiate to sin, like for example, being with wensley means feel like angry with him.. aiya, dont noe how to say, what i feel towards him is anger missed with several other things like concern.. so very hard to describe..

and also, keeping my self away from the computer.. try to stop wasting time in it...

Jesus said, if your eyes cause u to sin, dig it out and throw it away.. thats what i am doing..

anyway, i think after every serve i must relax for a while, slow down, and think of the lessons, cause if got intense lessons, i think i'll end up hating knowing God onli...

thats all... Shalom to all...

i find myself unworthy of thy love, thats why i'm afraid to look up to u....
but deep down iside i love thee...

Stupid at 4:51 PM

Today, God spoke...

this is what he says:

Son, It's time.Get up on your feet, start planning master planner, be hardworking , disciplined and work to wards ur destination to become the man i want u to be, christ-like.

yeah, and that is what i am working towards to...

i found out some of the sorces of distractions which normally initiate to sin, like for example, being with wensley means feel like angry with him.. aiya, dont noe how to say, what i feel towards him is anger missed with several other things like concern.. so very hard to describe..

and also, keeping my self away from the computer.. try to stop wasting time in it...

Jesus said, if your eyes cause u to sin, dig it out and throw it away.. thats what i am doing..

anyway, i think after every serve i must relax for a while, slow down, and think of the lessons, cause if got intense lessons, i think i'll end up hating knowing God onli...

thats all... Shalom to all...

i find myself unworthy of thy love, thats why i'm afraid to look up to u....
but deep down inside i love thee...

Stupid at 4:51 PM

Friday, January 19, 2007

it was one of those days u felt like not doing anything and rot at home for a few days maybe 3 or 4, then draw up a plan and get my engine moving, and get me running in hyperspace...

now, i'm having a migrane... i think i have so much christian lectures and so much difficulties as the small sp leader that i think i gonna blow up...

and having wens around didnt help much either...

i need a break... feel like living a screwed up life right now...

i wish, oh... learnt a lot of poetic lines in SERVE.. maybe try writing it out...

i'm weary, i'm burnt,
i closed my eyes,
and rested all night.
Hoping my fone will ring,
Someone there i can really lean,
For the greatest giants needs to sleep,
The strongest warriors too shed tears.
Hoping to hear thy voice,
it's like honey to the throat,
who is thou?
still unfound.
waiting in a night alone,
getting depressed in what i didn't own.
All i can turn to is Lord alone,
who i cant see
know thyself the devil speaks,
i felt like whacking him till its feet.
God's promise seems so far away,
a thin line holds my faith.
Bombarded by worldly affairs,
seems like darkness is me.
who can ease this pain?
only thou.
only thou.


haha, gosh... got all poetric and stuff... they say poetry express feelings that words cant,
but i felt so much so much so much more, relieved...
haha

trm is juz another saturday...

Stupid at 7:28 PM

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

WHEW!!!

Today, wens missed SERVE cause he was sick...

but i tell u, its the best lecture of my life... well, to now i guess, so 18 years of my life...

this Rev Dr Norman Wong came to Serve and taught us how to listen to the call of God and voice of God. And i tell u, he is a very good speaker...

and i was then introduced to this idea of speaking in tongue- where people pray or speak without knowing what they are talking about..., no i'm not meaning talking rubbish... but it is talking through this holy spirit that God have placed his hand upon, blessed us with...

incredible, i was like throwing qns to the Dr. and he finally for the sake of us noobs, prayed in our group publicaliy in tongue... Holy crap!!! it sounds like hebrews... like the language i saw in the movie passion of Christ...

unbelievable, and later he shared the testimony of this man prayed in tongue and ended up found out what he was saying was fluent malay...

Fabian told me that there are actually differnet gifts God gave onto people, and some of them are like power of healing or foresight...

suddenly, all thos fariytales and fantasy seemed to be so much closer to life...

And my Faith for God Strengthens even more...

Stupid at 7:22 PM

Friday, January 12, 2007

i was rather moody today, but after i've been to bible.com and read, then suddenly i felt so much better, it speaks the truth of my heart, here is what it says :

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT...
GRIEF?
by Betty Miller
Proverbs 15:13-14(Amp):13 A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken. 14 The mind of him who has understanding, seeks knowledge, inquires after and craves it, but the mouths of (self-confident) fools feed on folly.

In these verses in Proverbs we find a comparison between a merry heart and a sorrowful heart. Verse 13 tells us that you can tell the condition of a man's heart by looking at his countenance (his facial appearance). When people are happy, you can tell by the sparkle in their eyes, their smile and their cheerful attitude. When they are older, they will even have what we call "smile wrinkles" instead of the wrinkles caused by frowning. Indeed, facial looks reveal a lot about a person.

You can also read on a person's face when they have sorrow in their heart, especially when you know a person. We have all experienced someone saying to us, when we were troubled about something, "What is wrong? Are you worried about something?" We all have experiences in our lives that cause us to be broken-hearted about an incident. The scripture tells us that if we allow this sorrow of heart to continue, it can break our spirits.

How can we get past heart break over the loss of someone or something? We must give the person or situation to the Lord and ask Him to remove the sorrow and grief from our hearts. We can keep the good memories of a lost loved one, but we must not allow the enemy to torment us with the grief of our loss. God will replace the emptiness we feel from the loss of a mate, a child, a friend, or a home, if we ask Him to do this. Jesus died on the cross, not only to give us eternal life, but He also died to take our grief and sorrows. Jesus Christ, on the cross bore all of our iniquities, pain, sickness and sorrow. Since He took them, we do not have to take these things, but rather receive our salvation, healing, deliverance and peace by faith.

Isaiah 53:4-6: 4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Proverbs 15:14 tells us that if we have God's understanding, we can ask Him for the knowledge to overcome every trial and problem we face. God is bigger than our grief, sorrow, pain and every problem that any of us could face. We must never blame Him for our troubles, as the devil is the trouble maker, not our Lord. God is there for us, to help us overcome anything the enemy has done, or is trying to do. God is the one that will rescue us and help us in our hour of need.

However, we must not be like the fool who feeds on his folly. This is a person who is continually mouthing his troubles and blaming others, including God, for his circumstances. He feeds on self-pity and rehearses his problems to all who will listen. We must give our heartaches and troubles to God and keep a cheerful attitude no matter what is going on in our lives. We need to remember, "this too, shall pass" as God is eternal and has a good plan for our future.

As Christians, death is the last enemy we face, as we have the assurance that we shall see all of our loved ones who have died in Christ once again. The devil may have snatched them off this earth, but because they belong to God, He snatches them from the devil and takes them home with him. We will be reunited with them. That shall happen when we get to Heaven, or when Christ comes again to this earth and brings them with Him at the resurrection. We are not like those who have no hope. In Christ, our future is full of His promises and we are promised victory over death and the grave!

1 Thessalonians 4:13:13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

1 Corinthians 15:54-55:54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

Certainly, grief and sorrow are natural emotions that we all experience when we lose someone or something and it is not wrong to feel it at the time a loss or tragedy occurs. However, it is wrong to embrace these emotions as Christians. Just like it is not wrong to feel fear when we are in danger; however, it is wrong to embrace fear because it will destroy our faith. We must not embrace grief either, as the above scripture tells us to "sorrow not."

I remember a number of years ago, a man came to Bud and me for counseling, as he had no joy in his life. We asked him when he lost his joy and he said it was after the accidental death of his grown son. The son had died in a plane crash. This man had been continually tormented by grief from that time, which had been over two years. We explained to him that tormenting grief was from the devil and he could be free from it. We were shocked at his reaction when we offered to pray for him to be free from this evil spirit. He absolutely refused. The devil had convinced him that if he quit grieving for his son, it meant he no longer loved his son. He was equating the emotion of grief with the emotion of love. He had embraced an additive kind of agony and the devil made him reluctant to let it go. This kind of negative emotion causes men to live in the past and robs them of the present, and future. This man was no longer a good husband to his wife as his life was revolving around a dead son through the grief he refused to let go of.

Many people accept the devil's sorrow and grief tunes by yielding to "singing the blues" or the "crying in your beer" mentality. Many of the songs that are sung in bars and nightclubs are this kind of music. Old melancholy songs about a lost love create a type of emotional sorrow that has an almost intoxicating feeling associated with it. The devil uses old memories to keep people in bondage to the past, even through a hurtful emotional attachment. The Bible tells us to forget those things behind us, and reach forth to the things in front of us in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14: 13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Grief that is not released to God has a deadly hold on many people. They carry this heavy burden that is aching for release. They may find temporary release when someone sympathizes with them or when they cry some tears, but soon this feeling turns into an overwhelming pain of loneliness that is almost unbearable. Grief and sorrow come to hurt us, not help us. We must resist them in the name of Jesus. Jesus does not want us to bear this grief. He bore it on the cross for us. Gladness and joy are our portion, not sorrow and sadness.

Isaiah 53:4: 4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

Isaiah 51:11:11 Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.
We must resist sorrow and grief and ask for God's peace and comfort when we face loss and heartache. If we submit unto God and resist the devil, then the tormenting grief and pain caused by the devil, will have to flee.

James 4:7: Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Stupid at 4:00 PM

Thursday, January 11, 2007

hmm.. i guess attending serve really did allow me saw how the christian living is like... and seriously i kinda like it...

i mean, throughout my life im looking for answers that i wanted to find, questions which are not answered word for word, where u have to find the answeres by experiencing it, i found those answers all in the bible...

why didnt have anyone told me before in the past 18 years?

everything makes sense to me right now, and i suddenly feel so, fruitful...

but then again, spiritually, i'm having an head on battle with the devil living in me, its like every single time i thought of something bad, its like i have to think twice before acting, my movements are restricted, but i know it is for a greater good...

it is so tempting sometimes, to go ahead with what the devil says, ' nvm la, go ahead, sleep la, exercise for wat...' or ' juz blame everything at that guy la, its all his fault '

i have to think twice, giving answers i never thought i would have given ' be thankful that he ( someone i find it irritating ) is here... and he's here for a reason '

i wouldnt do that if i never met God this way, most probably will juz swear at situations that i find inappropriate...

its really hard for me, really, like this giant devil sitting on u saying ' BOy! u not following my words anymore !!! give u more headache!!'

and the other end of a tunnel is a bright light saying :' good, u are walking towards ur own salvation...'

its a spiritual war in me, every decision i make is a battle of victory or defeat, but im glad i have such struggles, cause im really a threat now to Satan...

i wish u who are reading this, take this testimony that i 've shown u all, if u are feeling down, or thinking why this world is such a cruel place, would try to seek the answer through this guy i call God, perhaps u may think that it is impossible to believe in what i say and in those over evangelistic christians stuff, but for frens i noe, this account i'm having is all true, so true that im saying this with all my heart...

found this cool site, click the bible frequently ask questions, there got nice answers..
www.bible.com

my world is aint that bad after all..

Stupid at 7:21 PM

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

oh manzzz....

day 7 of Serve and yet my gorup still seems like every one is shy and solemn.... its training all my soul to try to get them to be hyped...

i seen wens group where everyone is like happily interacting and having fun, while my group have only one objective, going home... sigh...

but maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson, cause i noe when i get to much of fun, i usually place God secondary to fun, maybe this 2months is literally God's preparation for me without any distractions, and maybe i should be thankful instead of complanin about it...

i juz hope wens to say anything about me and my group... nothing does well when im being put the leader of things, its juz my curse la...

but although its seven days, i really learn alot of things, values, teachings, understandings,yes, its great, and i believe i really changed alot in my thinking, but im afraid it would have a bit better if my group is fun, but then again, God must have his reasons of doing things...

juz 7 days and ive changed my thinking,wat happens if 2 months, maybe theni will be a real christian...

so many things to pray around me, but i think God is calling me to focus on my own things first...

God, can u have msn so i can chat with u?

sigh....

Stupid at 6:48 PM

Sunday, January 07, 2007

sometimes u come to a point in life that u noe where u are directed to go, u noe wat u are supposed to do, u noe that God is calling u there.

but u hesitate, u just dun put the first step to go to that destination of the promised land.

and u noe that if u don't go there, u'll end up dying ( figuratively and literally)

but u still dun do it...

why? i asked...

i found the answers where i chose not to look...

Lazy, Temptations, Hope for another path, Fear,Despair and Low self esteem are some of them...

others, i may not have the courage to face them...

but i noe that i can defeat them, all it needs is a deep breath, a great deal of trust on God, and take the path that He planned for me. I'm waiting for the endurance and strength flow into me. Or maybe i should have picked them up by myself instead of waiting...




sometimes, i wish everyone is Christ like... nice little people u see everywhere around u, treating u nicely, showing u all those 5 C's that all human beings deserve, Considerate, Care, Consistency, Courteous, Courage. But most of us, are too worldly, and even so much that we are worldly subconciously, that we become, oblvious about it. It became so tempting to me that i shld try to persue worldly treasures rather then heavenly ones, just to be recognised by many. Cause sometimes u cry out to God saying that some earthly treasures he does not give it to u at all. but are u truly blessed without such worldly treasures? ur heart says yes, ur mind says no... thats why u tear youself apart at such circumstances...


how upsetting sometimes even our own people such things in such worldly ways...


sigh...

Stupid at 9:08 PM

Friday, January 05, 2007

3rd day of serve...

i'm burn out from waking early and sleeping late...

Last to sleep, first to wake....

and i have to sit in 4 hours lecture... for the rest of mon- fri....

at times when i'm happy and in the mood, four hours passed like minutes...

but today, i just dun think im in the mood...

i very worried for my group.. cross carriers.. that we cant clicque well and stuff... but i hope that they need some time to warm up thats all... and my enthusiasm only last me up till there... not enuff power to bring the whole group moving...

pastor fu man says that we should use our blog to encourage rather then to complain about our life... maybe thats true... ok then.. then i stop complanin...

let me check....





hmm... rev Wong said something good that i particularly like.. he said... every experiences we have is NEVER wasted... regardless if its painful or sweet experiences, it is actually experiences that God mould us into the people we become today..

thats so true man... i always complain about pple around me not being good enuff kinda thing, but actually i found out that if they have been what im expected out of them, i think i wont be happy either... maybe i shld thankful...



trm's Community involvement.,.. in church.. 9 pm... better get some sleep

Stupid at 2:35 PM


Stupid at 2:35 PM

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

oh no...

3rd day of the new year and im not keeping up the resolutions.. this is bad...

skipping prayers and quiet time.. sinning for selfish reasons...

forgive me god..

today bible school starts....

family is at crumbling end..

everything gone bad when i forget him and sin...


gosh...

oh well..

gotta start berserking in everything like wat ive done last time...

Berserk on...

Stupid at 9:03 AM

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