Today is good friday. and the ironic thing is i feel like cursing and wearing and be the old me more than ever.

Its one of those days, where u really wanted to release all ur emotions on somthing, Just BOOM. and there goes all those words I spend decades to refrain from saying.

You ask me why, why am I so mad, so not even concentrating in preparing cell, Because I feel like a bloody hypocrite. I have to teach teens who dun even wanted to be there anyway things that I dun even convict myself in beliving. Its just a job, its just an assignment, another module to me today.

I became super unproductive today, hearing lectures that doesnt get in, time like now suppose to study i end up blogging. why am i so fustrated? Why?

Because I'm mad, angry, furious! because look what COGS become, I never felt this way in a good friday service before. I never felt his presence. I never felt God. Mum dozed of in the sermon, I think Dad's sleeping with eye open. And WE ARE FREAKING SUPPOSE TO BE SOLEMN AND REFLECTIVE IN THIS DAY?

I know u may think that I am superficial, that what I'm looking for is that "feel" that we have when deaconess and the old management was around. there is some truth to it. But the major thing I am feeling, is that the service is just another anyhow service in every freaking sunday. and its good friday. the first good friday without old management.

I find myself extremely angry to all of the old management too. You know that this old man is going to tear the church apart, and u just happily left? SELFISH HYPOCRITES. and leave us to fight the front, we are like recruits, not commandos and u sent us to war. and we died. Many died, many left, many hurt.

Sometimes I do feel and understand why pple like daesiree just turn totally to the world, its like having the since its so screwed, i rather be screwed and yet I enjoy myself. Since we are going down, might as well enjoy it anyway. only fools like us, stay and fight the front. be unhappy, be hurt, be weary and "Wait till things get better" . Yeah, wait till either old man dies or he retires, Church is now a prison, a place where it encourages pple to feel dissappointed with the faith.

They told me, look to God, not man, Look to God! Yet they also say, we are suppose to reflect God image. If u look at the image, and u disgust, how do u bear to turn and look to God?

Anyway, I turned, maybe i am myopic, I cannot see God, I'm blind now. So whoever is reading this, I'm sorry if i sounded harsh, unreasonable, even doing irrational things. I hope u'll understand. I'm blinded once again for now..

Jesus where are you?

Stupid at 9:53 PM