Why do we love?

The awkward moment when what's troubling u is ur christian community and not your secular community. U see the reason why some christians fall away from their faith, turn to vices, turn to secular sources of comfort, because they face great disappointments from people in the christian community. Of course, there are some giants who hold on, who really have that hope that no other man could see. But it seemed a little unreal, a little hard for it to believe, when u are cut and feel pain, can u choose to say the pain is not there? Yes I know the pain heals, but it takes a long time.

I realise the importance of being a witness to others, not even to the secular world but within the community itself. If u are not a proper witness, and u are placed as a leader, it affects the rest of the body. It happened to me, it happened to my cell, it happened to my church. And because of the problem of one, it multiplied to become the problem of many.

I just pray for a reformation, a rebuilding, a restoration, a reignitement of everything. As more and more pple slip away, I hope I could hang on just enough to see the day. Why am I in such a despair? why am i in such a emotional state of sadness? it is because I realise I'm influential, and yet incapable. Placed as a leader, but lacked wisdom. Tried my best but its still not enough. I realise I'm like him, exactly like him. My vicar. Thats why I relate to him all too well. Its very sad that when u look into the eyes of the cell members, and u lost all the respect they have for u because of all ur past mistakes. And u are just the CGL by name. U wanna go away, wash it clean, step down, but u cant. U no longer have influence over them, and u realise u are already branded in their eyes - a failed leader, a successful clown. Even though i change now, even though i learn now. I just think that its just too late cause I have been branded. Christians dun really forgive pple fully even though they try very hard to u know. I know it cause I try very hard to forgive others too..

I understand now what Ghandi said: I like ur Christ, I dun like ur christians.
I like my Christ too, the only person who could wash my slate clean every single time I kneel and pray.
Its the followers who pour everything back and deceive me that Im not forgiven.