Why do we love?

came back from another hard week of training, comes with a free package of an injured knee.. and it still hurts now, although i didnt report sick in order to enjoy this friday night boo kout priviledge..

In the camp was actually emo-ing almost everyday... like why am i fighting so hard for? seeing everyone got gold for ippt and pass SOC like a breeze i was like about to tell myself : 'Face it CX, u cant do it, u are not as fit as them..' then saw my ex-platoonmate from Juliet that he OOC, i meant he used to be rather fit, but rather weak in his mental stress kinda thing... so he OOC..
and i kept asking myself.. why am i still here..

I kept seeking help. reading the bible day by day, seeking help from my loved ones, kept calling them call until no batt, and the batt.. forgot to bring home to charge.. and next week got only sunday morn book out night book in, i think no need call so much le..

everything crashes down... when u juz look it at all the bad parts of ur life.. u really feel like ending it once at for all.. im enduring because im fortunate enough to have at least one good part in my life...

worse thing is when u do a spiritual check on urself, u noe u are seriously sick. it comes in when , u start to have feelings of deciet, jealousy, envy, anger,start to curse, swear, and when u read God's words, its juz words, that doesnt reach my heart as they use to anymore..

I'm screwed...

I;m soo screwed..

because next two weeks challenges ( no rest/book out) will be super duper great... I will have 32 km march, plus 7 missions on the way, onve of them is river crossing so it means marching in soaked uniform and boots, gotta have serious abrasions, and then no rest then we got on to field camp... which means dig shell scrape, foxhole and fire trench.. the thought of it almost make me cry le... how am i going to go thru this...

I'm afraid..
more afraid so when God seems to be forsaking me.
God,
I know u are unhappy with me thru this week lord, for i am unworthy in you eyes, time and time again i said i'll change but when i faced challenges i didnt take the hard way but the easy way out, for that u forsake me.. i'm sorry.. i pray that u could help me put everything back again, to make my life once again fulfilling, and to support all the people around me.. i hoep u could change my heart, change me, make me be the man u want me to be, and pour ur blessings on me lord.. take away my self doubt and fear, and change it into courage and hope not only for myself but for others also...

this is your unworthy servant praying...